Let's Read Awful AB Fan Fiction

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Fauna
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Let's Read Awful AB Fan Fiction

Postby Fauna » 13 years ago

Ever since I was fourteen, I've done little text beatdowns like what you'll see today. But I almost always used something someone else wrote, and today, I'd rather volunteer something I wrote in late 2007 - this being my brief Tenma phase when I thought I loved him - to be attacked by me. Maybe later, you guys can volunteer your own bad fan fiction and attack it yourselves...or me, if you'd rather, but I doubt you'd want that. Let's open "coeur.txt".

Before we begin, I feel it's necessary to elaborate on my theory that Astro's robot mom was based on Tobio's dead mom, a hybrid of my own wacky Tenma fandom and the Hoshie story. And then mr_skunk got me into slash, and you don't want more of that story. Here's a shot of Michi/Michiru that I coloured myself years ago...

Image

"So, what do you claim to be planning?"
" I was thinking I'd build them a robotic mother. That way, Astro could be like a human child, like he wants."
Tenma hunched over, staring down at the blueprints on the table. "I think it's a bizarre idea, professor. I mean, how do you think Astro's going to react?"
Ochanimizu waved his hand towards the window of the R&D. "He's told me many times that he's wanted to be like a human boy. I thought giving him a parental robot would complete his wish."

I looked back at this and thought, "Well, this could be okay." And then I noticed that I'd misspelled Ochanomizu's name...it matches the pronounciation my brother and I gave it.

"Well, still, I--"
"I'll let you design her face!" Ochanimizu grinned.
Tenma sat up. "All right, then."

:tenma: : YAY FACES!

In the R&D room, Ochanimizu lifted the corner of a sheet off a glass pod. Within it lay the muted form of a woman, silent and immobile. Tenma stared at her, his thoughts drifting back to something he locked away long ago. The robot's round face, her tall, thin form...she looked like Michiru.
What? No. She had been gone for years; he had no right to bring her back up now. He woke from his thoughts when Ochanimizu tapped him on the shoulder.

At the time, it made me feel bad to elaborate on any kind of spouse for Tenma, and I realize that's because it opens up a pocket of unnecessary emotional turmoil, which I personally avoid doing unless the circumstances in my story require it.

"Tenma? Well, what do you think?"
"What? Oh." Tenma glanced from Ochanimizu to the glass pod. "I'd say...green irises, and black hair about ye long." He held his hand up to his neck, designating the length. He tried to avoid letting the robot look like Michiru.
Ochanimizu wrote something down on a notepad. "Good, good. Her eyes and scalp may be finished by this evening." Ochanimizu pocketed the notepad and looked at his companion worriedly. "Although, there is one thing I'll have to trust you with..."
"Oh, what is it now?"
"I need to hide this robot for about one evening."
"Are you daft?"

And then Ochanomizu got offended and went to design his own robot face. The end.

"The storage room isn't available for one more day, Yuko nor I have enough room in our own houses to store her..."
"You're implying that I should look after the robot."
"W-well, yes, Tenma."

OCHANOMIZU, THAT IS THE WORST IDEA EVER. Do you not have assistants or police ties? And Little Fauna, I see where this story is going. And I don't like it.

He looked away with a mix of disgust and weariness. "How can I? You, like anyone else, trust me no more than a criminal like Skunk Kusai or Lamp."
There was silence.

There was also a tasty cake down in the lunch room.

"Well, we'll need someone to take care of her, otherwise she'll be found by--"
No sooner had Ochanimizu begun to talk, the doors flung open. Astro, Uran, Ken'ichi and Denkou ran and flew into the room, each of them yelling at the other.
Uran stopped running immediately. "Oh, sorry doctor! Did we interrupt again?"
"Sorry about that, guys," Ken'ichi added.
Denkou twirled over to the covered pod, his cape billowing around his stout body. "Hey, what's under that sheet?"

Denkou's a girl. ;A;

"STOP! NO!" Both men yelled in reflex. Denkou paused, then backed away.
Astro tilted his head to the side. "Professor? Tenma? What's going on?"
Ochanimizu laughed nervously and begun to herd the children out of the room. "Oh, nothing, nothing! Just a good thinking session..."
Ken'ichi squirmed as the other children were pushed against him. "I don't understand, why would--"
"Yes, yes..." Once the children were in the hall, Ochanimizu shut and leaned against the door. "See, Tenma, that's what I'm worried about. Astro can get into any area of the Ministry except the storage rooms."

You can always, like, tell him not to go into a room. I'm pretty sure Astro would go "Yeah, okay" and go off to read.

"I understand." He nodded towards the pod. "When do I pick up the robot?"
"As soon as we finish her face and clothes, I'll call you over."
"All right then, professor..." Without a further word, Tenma turned and left the ministry.

Right out the window.

The arrival home was, and would continue to be, depressing. He had gotten out of jail and was offered his old house. Tenma privately wished he hadn't accepted. The front door and windows seemed to form a face, as remarked by Tobio long ago.
"Father, look! The house has a face!"
"Really? How does it look?"
"It doesn't look very happy..."
How right the boy would be. The front room was dark, with fading photographs reflecting the light of the streetlamps outside. Tenma remembered that a fraction of the upper floor had to be replaced after one of Lamp's robots smashed the place in search of Astro. He let the memory leave him as he entered the house, went up the stairs and into the bedroom. He sat at his desk. What was there to do? He had only now adjusted to living completely alone, but what could he now with a female robot moving in for the evening? He put his head down and gazed out the window at the smoke-grey sky.

Okay, I admit I like this part... :d oh: Also, I'm just gonna cut out a paragraph where Tenma gets called in to pick up Michi.

"Here she is!" Ochanimizu opened the door of the R&D room, and the two men entered. At a desk sat the completed female robot. She looked up, her emerald eyes studying the visitor. "She's ready to leave, Tenma." The robot got up and walked towards the two. Ochanimizu set his hand on her shoulder as his face turned to solemnity. "Just remember, Mother here has an alarm that she can set off any time she's being attacked. I warn you, please don't hurt her."
"You'd accuse me of harming a woman, regardless of her being a robot?" Tenma asked, insulted.
Talking to this man is like fighting a war, Ochanimizu thought to himself.
"Don't worry, professor," Tenma said, sensing the awkwardness. "I'll take care of her as if she were a human."

Ochanomizu: "Hey, I'll just give this special robot to a guy who tried to blow up my lab. And since I clearly don't trust him, I'll install this little alarm thing here."

She could speak, but hardly did during the drive home. Tenma repeatedly looked over, checking if she were mad or afraid, but he couldn't tell. Finally, he stopped the car and let her out.
"Okay, this is your home for the night..." He had an overwhelming urge to call her 'Michiru'. He ignored it.
"All right," She said in a quiet, calm voice. She entered the house, looking around confusedly.
He set his hand on her arm. "Are you okay?" She felt softer than other robots. Through cloth, she almost felt human.
"Yes," she replied. "Where's the Overnight Containment Pod?"
The Pod was a thick, translucent container that robots would be locked in to recharge overnight. Of course, a domestic robot could survive on an outlet.
"Oh, I don't have one of those yet." He took her hand and hurriedly led her up the stairs. "There's an outlet upstairs!"
However, the only room with a convienient outlet happened to be the master bedroom.

OHHHHHH SNAP

"Er, you can stay here tonight," He said, waving his hand towards the bed. "Just lie here, and you can connect to the plug by the nightstand."
She glanced back and forth between the bed and Tenma. "But where could you sleep?"

:tenma: : ON YOU.

[SIZE="1"]He felt his stomach tighten. "Oh, well, there's a spare cot in my lab downstairs."
"Really? Doctor, I could just stay there."
"Nonsense! You're a guest." He calmed down and tried to smile. "You'll be safe here. I promise."
She smiled. "Thank you, doctor."
He felt himself fluster. She looked like Michiru so much. "I, I'll be downstairs if you need any help." He escaped from the room and headed to the lab.
[/SIZE]
My story overlaps so much with Astronomical Girl's ideas that it bothers me. Maybe fangirls run in the same tracks. Also, Tenma is not a "fluster" kind of person. He'd be startled, more likely, if attracted to or hit-on by a woman, but otherwise completely stoic. And while we're talking, I picture Tenma with less a dainty little woman and more a outgoing, cute and sort-of geeky businesswoman/roboticist. But oh well...everybody's a perfected projection of themselves somewhere in these things.

(Continued in next post...)
Last edited by Fauna on Fri Dec 10, 2010 3:46 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Fauna » 13 years ago

Self-confined in the lab, Tenma forced himself to work on blueprints. The distraction was successful, but not for long. Finally, fatigue set in and he stopped drawing. He looked up at the wall clock. It was 11:28. He headed up the basement stairs. It couldn't hurt to check on the robot.
He leaned in though the half-closed bedroom door. She lay on her back, her head looking away from the door and her arm bent at her side. A plate on her arm had been slid open, an emergency electrical plug protruding and connecting to the outlet. He sat down at her side and studied her for a minute. Her synthetic, short black hair framed her round face as her red and black dress bordered her body. Something seemed to overwhelm him. He paused, breathed once, then leaned over and kissed her on the mouth.
Her eyes opened slowly. She tried to speak. "Doctor?!"
Horrified, he sat up and covered his mouth. "I, I...erm...I'm sorry..."
She sat up. "Is something wrong, doctor?"

The fact that she wouldn't slap him across the face and confine herself to a safer area bothers me. If somebody randomly kisses me in my sleep, I don't sit up and ask them what's wrong. I throw them out of my bedroom with one arm.

Just gonna have to cut out a paragraph here...it's not hot; more of a lukewarm. Here, I'll hold up two dolls and have them act out what's going on.
:tenma: : Oh Michi! You look like my dead wife! Let me kiss you!
Michi: This is sort of weird, but all right!
:tenma: : Mu-mu-mu-mu!
Michi: Kissy-kissy-kissy!
:tenma: : Oh wait, you're a robot! That's sort of gross!

He grabbed her hand and huriedly led her down the hall and down the stairs. It was obvious she would tell Ochanimizu or Astro about what she and Tenma had been doing, and he knew what he had to do now.
Erase her memories.

Image

Of course, it hadn't completely worked for Astro, but he'd have to try erasing again.

And then everybody's gonna be in the middle of Christmas dinner, she'll remember it, and it'll be so awkward...

Once in the basement lab, he picked her up and set her in a containment pod. He sighed and looked at her for a second.
"Please, Nagamiya! What are you doi--"
"Don't call me that anymore," he said solemnly, turning to a computer. "Now, just relax. I've got to do something that will protect us both."
"Please don't kill me, doctor."
He turned back to her. "I won't. Trust me." He closed the lid on the pod and she relaxed. The computer displayed her main files and memory. Entering the memory, he selected the cache of the time between when she was recharging and when Tenma pulled her into the lab. He pressed the delete button, hoping that he as well would not remember what the two had done. He turned off the computer and opened the pod. She sat up slowly, confused and frightened.
"Hello, Mother robot," he said, masking his worry. "Are you all right now?"
"But, what happened to me?" She set her eyes on him, desperately searching for an answer.
"Oh, I just finished your system check," He lied as she slowly climbed out of the containment pod. "Everything is in order. If you go upstairs to the main bedroom, you can recharge. You're going to be all right..."

So...so creepy. Why would I do this to my favourite character? My brief scheme of pairing him with Skunk is less unsettling than this.

The next morning, Ochanimizu and his assistant Yuko visited the house.
"Professor, I don't know what you were thinking!" Yuko gawked at the man beside her. "How could you honestly let HIM watch the robot?"
"I'm inclined to give Tenma a second chance," Ochanimizu said, hoping to stray from the topic. Yuko, unconvinced, trotted over to the front door and knocked loudly.
"Doctor! I know you're in there! We'd like to pick her up now!" The door opened soon after. Tenma stood there, appearing somewhat tired.
"Yes, yes. I'm here," he said, irritated, to the young woman before him. "I'll get her now." He turned to the staircase behind him. "Mother robot, it's time to go!"
"Okay, doctor!" Mother ambled down the stairs and to the door.
Ochanimizu took Mother's arm and studied it. "Amazing! Not even a scratch!"
Tenma smirked. "Did you ever have any doubt in me, Ochanimizu?"
There was silence.

Whoops.

Also, I wish Yuko had enough of a personality to be able to be paired with Tenma. Or at least cuter hair.

Yuko tapped her foot. "Well, everyone's here and I'd like to go. Say goodbye, Mother."
As she stepped out the door, she turned back to Tenma. "Goodbye, Nagamiya."
"WHAT?!" The three humans stared at her.
"I said, goodbye, doctor." She headed to the car, Ochanimizu and Yuko following. Tenma sighed and slammed the front door shut.

Dun-dun-dunnn! Looks like Christmas is going to be verrrry tense this year.

"Happy birthday, dear Astro..." The group sang. Astro looked around with delight at Ochanimizu, Yuko, Uran and his friends. Behind them all, he could see his father standing silently by the window. Uran jammed a wrapped box in Astro's face and he returned to earth.
"OPEN IT, BROTHER ASTRO!" She squealed, shaking the box. Astro seized the item and unwrapped it, revealing a large box of fuses.
"Uh, thanks, Uran!" He said, jabing at the box.

Not much to beat on here, but I like how Uran's like "CHECK THIS PRESENT OUT. IT'S BORING. I GOT IT JUST FOR YOU~ <3"

"Proffessor told me about how often you burn out yourself!" She sat back down as Kenichi, Tamao and Shibugaki pushed forward. The taller, portly boy held out a leather jacket as the bespectacled boy ran his hand under a logo plastered on the back.
"Looka this, Astro!" Shibugaki

And then it just ends like this. I think I'd attempted to give it a proper ending, but I didn't have


So! What do you think of A) this crap, and B) this thread idea? Have any of you written stories you completely regret? (I feel I should restrict you guys to mentioning PG works, or at least give loose descriptions of non-kid-friendly things...) I've got a crappy origin for Michi around here somewhere, as well as some things involving Denkou.
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Postby Astronomical girl » 13 years ago

DUDE THIS IS AWESOME :W00t: cool story ;)
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Postby Alittleacorn » 13 years ago

That was awful if you don't mind me saying lol. It felt really rushed, the plot could've been stretched a couple more pages...along with being polished up.

If this is set to the 2003 anime, then I highly doubt Tenma would be allowed back into the Ministry or lab for that matter. And for Ochanimizu to be the one to create the robot that looks like Hoshie all seems wrong. It's like their roles are the wrong way around, it should've been Tenma's decision to do secretly and perhaps in an unstable state of mind.

But, depending if Astro had returned his sanity after saving him from Lab 7 with the whole 'Don't die father' then he might've created Michiru as to atone for his sins. The plus is you didn't include the father robot, which is good since I don't know if 2003 Astro would want one considering the father plot within the anime. Ochanimizu became the foster father role for him while Tenma was the real the father, though conflict was there on Astro who had these wonderful memories of his creators that didn't match up to the man he is now and his whole questioned if his father loved him was carried mostly through the Japanese version.

I wish I could say more but I gotta go out. But you're right it needs work, Tenma being told to take care of her for one evening seems unbelievable to me but...that little kiss was sweet, you should've done a sleeping beauty thing with that before she was activated. Oh and that alarm :lol: it reminded me of the one on the robot from the Spaceballs film (I will say no more than that.)

And post aweful fan fiction? I've never done such a thing...cough, >.<; okay I did in the early days when I was 15, dude some of what I wrote was plain AWFUL! But i've come a long way since then. If it's writing awful stories on Astro Boy I've not done it yet, though one does need revising which I'm doing.

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Postby Astronomical girl » 13 years ago

you could publish this ;) but what did you mean it overlaps some of my Idea's?
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Postby Androids101 » 13 years ago

Uhhhh...no offence, but did you get the point of this thread?
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Postby Astronomical girl » 13 years ago

hmm...me not yet :lol: i've written 6 astro boy fics so far ;)
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Postby Androids101 » 13 years ago

"Astronomical girl" wrote:hmm...me not yet :lol: i've written 6 astro boy fics so far ;)


Also not sure, but I think its where you critisize or say whats bad in your own stories ;)
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Postby Astronomical girl » 13 years ago

have you read any of mine?
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Postby Fauna » 13 years ago

@Alittleacorn: No, go ahead and say it's bad! :lol: I wrote this when I was fourteen, and looking back at it last night, I just couldn't...ugh, I can't even form a cohesive response.

If you're comfortable, you can post even bits of the stuff you made that you don't like, but I might just dive into my own aged crap (or my collection of stuff people made eons ago and I'm sure would never know, but that's still mean). What sticks in my mind is how did they let Tenma in the building after all that?!

@Astronomical: I compared it to the scene in the RP when Hoshie stays at Tenma's; I think it was sometime after Skunk got pepper-sprayed. Also, if I were to publish this, I'm pretty sure I'd never get things like Cinderelliot or any of my private novels out the door... :d oh:
Publisher: Your manuscript about a master thief adventure looks good, but I just looked this up online...you wrote a four-page story about a guy who tries to make out with a robotic woman that he purposely designed to look like his dead wife?
Me: Yeah.
Publisher: Get out of my office.

@Androids: Yes, it is. :)
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